A Cleveland Christmas Tale

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‘Twas the night before Christmas,
And all through ‘The Land,’
Not a creature was stirring,
Not even this man
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The LBJ 12’s were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that Ray Allen will soon would be there.
The children were nestled, all snug in their beds
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While visions of trophies danced in their heads
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As I drew my head and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes we all covered in ashes and soot.
A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled the LBJ’s then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his K900, to his team gave a whistle,
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And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,
‘Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!’
I awoke the next morning, none to my surprise,
A room full of a presents of each and every size.
The joy in my face, as I ran down the stairs,
Much like Rick Ross and his love affair with pears.
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I reached for the box with my name on the top,
“A ‘Brohio’ shirt? Floor seats for the Cavs?” I excitedly thought,
But when I opened it up, I was very shocked to find,
A Connor Shaw jersey, I about lost my mind.
The package came with tissues to dry my dreadful tears,
And a note signed from Santa saying, “Maybe next year!

—–

Have a Merry Christmas, you savages. Pumped to get away from work for a few days, spend some time with family and drink until the pain of debt and holiday gifts goes away. It’s the mooooost wonderful tiiiiiiime of the yeeeeeear!

 

 

 

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Today Is The 13th Anniversary Of ‘Bottlegate’

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(Source – CLEVELAND, Ohio — It was an innocent, brisk December afternoon. The Cleveland Browns needed a victory against the Jacksonville Jaguars to preserve their playoff hopes.

It was Dec. 16, 2001, Week 14 of the NFL season. The Browns entered at 6-6, likely in need of four straight wins to crash the postseason party. The Butch Davis era was well under way and, finally, the team flashed potential. The Jaguars arrived at the shores of Lake Erie with a 4-8 mark.

Tom Coughlin’s squad carried a 9-0 lead into halftime. Cornerback Anthony Henry returned an interception 97 yards for a touchdown late in the third quarter — the Browns established a franchise record with 33 picks in 2001 — to narrow Cleveland’s deficit. Mike Hollis converted a 37-yard field goal with 3:02 remaining to provide the Jaguars with a 15-10 lead.

What happened over the final minutes of the game lives on in infamy in Cleveland sports lore and in the annals of the NFL)

Ahhh my favorite memory as an 11 year old kid at a Browns game with my dad. Nothing was better than being there in the flesh to see the rains of Castemere Bud Light bottles flying over our heads. That game was important to me as a young Browns fan because I got to experience what it tastes like to be a real Browns fan. To know that you stand no chance at winning anything but to defend your team to the T with “BULL-SHIT” chants and throwing every bottle and piece of trash you see at the Zebras when you’ve been wronged. Hell yeah. I love this shit. I love when people talk about it. “Oh, the acts of savagery the Browns fans showed that day, deplorable” like we aren’t the most blindly passionate fanbase in all of sports (maybe next to the Raiders) but yeah. Puts everything into perspective. Makes games like last Sunday’s pants-shitting a little bit easier to take. Expecting the worst, hoping for the best. The life of a Cleveland Browns fan.

 

Oh the names…Butchy Boy, Tim Couch, Dennis Northcutt, Jamir Miller…goosebump city!

It’s Johnny Time

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Welp, here we go folks. It’s Johnny time in Cleveland. Pouring one out for Hoyer today. I went to bat for him time and time again on this site. “Saying relax, it’s not time for Johnny” blah blah blah. I don’t regret what I said or how I felt about Hoyer, but at this point in the season, on the cusp of the playoffs (kind of) and best season in 7 years, let’s open that Christmas gift we got back in April and pop some AA’s in it. I’m excited, as I’m sure most of you are. He’s always been the guy, you can’t just pull a QB who is winning. Hoyer stopped winning and his value depleted. Can’t help but feel sorry for him as he’s definitely lost more money than most of us will make in a lifetime in the span of the past 5 weeks. Oh well, as I’ve said over and over again: it’s a bottom line business, and now it’s money time.

Me right now:

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PS: How much poop is in Marvin Lewis’ pants right now?

Marvin Lewis Calls Johnny Manziel A ‘Midget’ On Live Radio

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Well I’m no psychic, but I have the strangest feeling that after this surfaced last night, Pettine is going to come out today and say he’s starting. Couldn’t possibly think of better bulletin board fodder than the opposing team’s head coach calling your (not officially) starting QB a midget.

Frankly, midgets are infinitely cooler than gingers too. Pot, meet kettle. Kettle, meet Marvin Lewis.

Jackass.

Today In Relevance: Chris Rock Sits Down And Talks About Ferguson


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(Link to Interview)

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I mean, I’m not posting this as a way of saying “racism is dead…see, a black guy even said it!” More of a “here’s an opposing viewpoint from someone who seems educated on the subject and isn’t throwing cinder blocks through shop windows in protest of a grand jury decision.” I can’t take sides in Ferguson because I believe in our justice system (most of the time) and have been on the right and wrong ends of the law before. The reason people end up on the wrong side is, from experience, because they don’t follow the rules. It has nothing to do with white, black, christian, muslim, whatever…it’s got to do with doing the right thing. But, a mother and father’s son is dead and there’s nothing that can be done to brought him back.

Cops are like bees to me. I hate bees. Fucking freak me out. They serve a nice purpose though (honey and flowers!) But, if you don’t fuck with bees, they won’t fuck with you. If you antagonize a bee, it’ll come sting your ass and you’ll be pissed off. Cops…bees…makes sense!

Chris Rock gets it. Read that full interview where he goes in-depth on Cosby, Race, and Ferguson.

And watch this video, because it’s funny as fuck.